Darkness that shines within.

Matthew once wrote, “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”

                At one point, the words “I don’t see any color in life anymore” were uttered to my mother. Life seemed grey and dull. Boring is not an adequate description of the viewpoint. It lacks the depth of hopelessness. Life had no color, because life had no promise; no purpose; no living. There was only

darkness that shined within, driving out all things that held light. This dark nothing soon made all things as its own; keeping me a prisoner of nowhere, and in the company of no one. To be lost and alone would be one thing, for there would be hope in being found. This darkness stripped away even the purpose in searching for rescue and help. The darkness claimed me and became me. There was only one thing to do. Die.

                The god of purpose and love had been preached to me. And preach to me they did, telling me I could find hope in him because of a prayer made by my mouth. As before, when needed, I went to this god and asked for the end, for this was the only hope I could see: to

die before him and all others so that the lifeless existence would finally cease. I prayed and planned for death as if it was mid-day meal. How is death best served on a Tuesday in late Spring? Standing outside a church building starring into the sky wondering why this god won’t answer this one little prayer. Now I lay me down to sleep, in hopes to die before I wake.

                Death was the only answer, and I am glad it came to me. Though the way it came was not what I was expecting. The strong suspicion that I could not hear god was made denser by the darkness. But, what the darkness did not understand was that true light was about to show up. While musical notes filled the air and stage lights flooded the scene, with my eyes closed I heard a voice and saw green. Three words to change life forever, spoken from my savior; “I love you.” My Lord and my God, I give you my life! My will died that day. The promise and hope of a life worth living was given to me, because a long time ago Jesus died the death that I asked for and is now longer required of me.

Jesus is my God.